Why? and some interesting thoughts...

I have not ever asked "why me?" or "how am I going to get through this?" or other such questions since being diagnosed with RA a few months ago. I don't wonder about my life with anxiety or despair.... I feel good, and am starting to truly be thankful for this whole experience.

I don't say that to tell you how cool I am, or to show you I am in denial about my life, or that maybe I am a bit crazy.

Mostly I say it because it is simply the truth. I have learned a lot, and gained a better understanding of myself and others because of this. I am going through something ever changing and hard, but I know its going to be OK, however it turns out. I feel calm about my life, even when I am in a lot of pain. I am alright with the direction I am going and the "pebbles" in my path that can make it hard. I know I can do hard things. (though sometimes I wish I could handle them with more grace, and a better attitude.) I know this because I know the Lord, and I know of His infinite love for me. He would not give me something and leave me alone to handle it. He is there, and I will be OK.

I truly have a strong sense of my spiritual self, and know that I have not, and will not ever be given anything in my life that I cannot handle. I am strong enough for every trial in my path. And because of this KNOWLEDGE, I'm good. I can take it. In fact because I know this, when hard things come my way, I even get slightly flattered that I have been given something so difficult. Its like I mentally tell myself "Lauren, you were given this because you are TOUGH enough to handle it! The Lord knows you are strong, its time to prove it." I am not sure if this mental pep talk is the way I am supposed to face trials, maybe its weird to think like that, not humble enough or something. But it always brings me up, and helps me stay strong. I think in this way, I show a little of what Dad always tried to teach us when we were young.... Dad always wanted me to try to be strong.

But through all of this, I have had one question that constantly nags at me. Why is it that the only people who think RA is a serious disease, are the ones who actually have it? What is it about this whole thing that makes it so hard to understand? Its not something "rare" or something no one has ever heard of, but still there is no awareness. How much more does a person need to suffer to make their case serious?

I read FB pages, and blogs about RA almost daily. And the one thing that is always talked about, is how alone and misunderstood everyone feels. RA is referred to as an invisible disease- meaning you can't SEE that I have it. But I think it makes people feel invisible, or somehow less than who they used to be, because they feel so alone. RA attacks my body, everyday. It attacks my muscles, my joint tissues, my bones, my voice, my eyes, my nerves, my heart, my lungs, and even my brain. RA is causing weird growths to show up all over my body, and it causes daily pain and fatigue. Some days the pain can be "ignored" if I have the right medicine. Other days it is so intense that I absolutely cannot ignore it, or manage a "happy" face- even though I try. I do have good days, but make no mistake, the pain is always there, even then. I have super toxic medicines that are hard on my body's organs, and make me feel super sick- but they are the only thing that is keeping me moving. Keeping my body able to function. So they are unfortunately a necessary evil.

But even with all this and so much more, somehow people doubt pain levels, doubt the truthfulness of someones complaints or explanations, and they care so little to find out how we really are. They don't consider what a toll, that doubting, that "ignoring" of the RA stuff can take out of a person already handling so much. It is isolating, and I think actually creates a cycle where someone feels like they have to "prove" their symptoms. And that is just wrong, and flat out sad.

I have been blessed with an amazing family. They do not do what is described above. I have always felt supported and cared for, and BELIEVED. I, in no way feel that my family avoids the RA talks, or whatever. They are so kind, and helpful. And I am so so so SO lucky to have them.

But it still breaks my heart to hear how so many others have to wade through this disease alone. It makes me hurt for them, and makes me so aware of how my actions can add to someone else's burden. I want to help, not hurt, others who need "lifting up". RA has made me aware of this. And I am working on it.

I don't like to live my life ALL about RA. That is annoying to BOTH you and me. So I *try* not to talk about it too much, but it doesn't mean that its gone away, or that I want to feel alone. Or that I will always be able to suffer quietly. It simply means I am more than my disease. I have more in my life, good AND bad besides RA. Life is good, its amazing and wonderful! I am happy in life! But it isn't like the rest of lifes challenges went away because this came. My plate felt full before this, and it STILL feels full now. I have to work on remembering that about others as well. I need to have more patience and sympathy. I need to be more thoughtful and kind. We all have complicated and full plates to deal with- no one's burden is really that much lighter than another's. I am grateful that I am able to see the good, and the happy in life even with my full plate. And I hope I can do better about acknowledging and caring about what everyone else deals with as well.

Lauren