It is a New Year after all...

Well its New Years and I am feeling like maybe its time to come back to the blogging world. I have a confession to make. I didn't really enjoy 2010. I mean, in an effort to stay positive- I have to acknowledge there were amazing blessings, AMAZING blessings, and wonderful moments through out the whole year, I truly am blessed. But if I am being 100% honest, 100% real... I would say over all- it sucked big time. And I have not really wanted to document it. Blogging wasn't something I didn't have time to do, it was something I purposely avoided. No one wants to hear about me mourning my pre-RA life. No one really wants to hear about constant pain. Its not pleasant, and not only that- its extremely repetitive. It doesn't change that those were the emotions I was/am going through, but really, who cares enough to continually read about it? And my family what were they going through? The same darn thing. My kids had to adjust to the new mommy. They developed worries and fears about life, and MY safety that are just sad for any kid to have to think about. I feel enormous guilt for that. But what can I do? It kills me how this affects them, I have a hard time really talking about it. Patrick has had more stress on him than he ever should. He has had to be full time care giver to me, the only full time parent, and a full time provider A LOT. I can summarize most of the year this way. Yes, I have been in pain for more than 365 days straight now. No, all days are not the same. No, I don't ever know what to expect. If I take an average from over the whole year- I had something like 6 "good" days (read low pain) a month. Translation: I spent a LOT of time in my bed. My family has been through one of its most difficult times ever. And if you know us, thats saying something. The worst part is, we also know its not going away.

BUT even though things won't go away, they can get better. And that is what helps me stay positive and hopeful. What you read above is a bit unlike me- I don't usually say so many of the bad things at once. Its too sad. And there are too many wonderful things that deserve more of my attention. Like in 2010, Kailah was baptized (she is a bit like that "perfect child"- so grateful for her). Jackson became my champion (it melts my heart how protective he is). We discovered how Lily helps us all be happy no matter whats happening around us (she works hard to give lots of kisses and hugs if she thinks we are sad, she sits with me for hours if I am hurting- just to help everyone be happy). We bought a new home sooner than we thought we could. We found wonderful friends. Strengthened our relationship in ways we never thought possible. Came closer to our Savior. Found strength in our families. Felt inspired. Felt loved. And felt humbled. 2010 shook our world upside down, but we survived. And we are going to be ok.

But enough of 2010, lets move on t0 2011. I hope this year can be a lot less about me. And a lot more about life. I want to stay healthy, I want to get my life back from RA- as much as I can, and I want to be a better mom. I have goals!

1- to get through all 4 of the standard works. Thats right, the Book of Mormon, the Bible, the Pearl of great price, and the Doctrine and Covenants. Thats a big one for me.

2- to start running again. I really want to run a half marathon, but I will only do that if it is indeed good for me. And wont hurt me/damage my body any more. I can accept smaller running goals, even if they are less exciting. I can, I can, I can, I can.......:)

3- I want to grow as a mother. And will actively be finding ways to improve how I communicate, teach, and play with my kids.

4- I want to lose 10-15 lbs. This had been hard for me because of my body failing me all the time. But this is the year I will get back to my weight when Patrick and I met. The best weight for my body medically.

5- And over all this year my goal is to be happy. Happy with myself, with my health (or the portion of it I can control), with my kids, with my home, with my life, and with others.

Hopefully this year I will get some regular blogging in as well..... :)

Happy New Year

Lauren