Oh sure, I have my "good" days... all that means is I can walk and move- but still am on LOTS of drugs, and if I do ANYTHING extra- I pay for it dearly. Yep, those have been my good days. Lame. So yeah, I haven't been working out at all, or even cleaning really. I tried to pick up the car, and paid for it with a MASSIVE increase in my pain, stiffness, and over all misery level for 2 solid days. No car is worth that, I don't care HOW messy it is.
So as I lay here- realizing all my hard effort, (that didn't result in one lost pound, NOT ONE! ugh) goes to crap because who can feed themselves healthy food, or food at all, when they can't even get up to prepare food? or use their hands? And why do I even try to workout if I lose it all so quickly? I lay here and keep getting super depressed, super frustrated, and super sick of angry birds.
Another interesting tid-bit I have discovered about myself these past few weeks.... I will "talk" about my RA stuff with anyone, after the fact or in reference. BUT to get me to actually show you I am in pain, and talk about it- in person, while its actually happening- takes a small miracle. I typically "hide" when I don't feel well. Just keeping to myself, in my home, doing what I absolutely have to and nothing more. It's how I cope. Keeping it simple. I won't tell anyone if I don't have to. I can't deal with the fussing, and all that jazz that people do when they pretend to care, on top everything I am dealing with. It stresses me out to say "no don't come over, I hurt so bad I will just curse like a sailor IF I even talk to you at all" nicely so many times. Really people- sometimes there really is nothing you can do. I appreciate the thought- but please stop now. K, thanks. So I hide. Keeping it to myself. But I will "talk" about it here- or on Facebook, or on texts. I am not sure why when I write it out its ok- but to actually say it, stresses me out. Makes no sense.
oh yeah and I'm worried my medicine has stopped working..... :(
To summarize: life has kinda sucked lately. And I am tired of laying in bed- and mostly I am just tired of pain. It makes me so so tired, and it never goes away. Never. I feel like its killing me little by little- a slow torturous death.
yeah, sorry to be a downer.
-L.
3 comments:
So sorry Lauren. Wish there was something that could help.
Hate to hear you have felt this way, but I am grateful to have someone to relate with. It sure is an up and down disease isn't it? It will be going well for a while and then slam into you. Hope things are going well for you now. Thanks for the post.
(last comment from jessica)
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